I have the day off...

and I'm taking full advantage. I walked my dog, am currently catching up on missed episodes of Law and Order: SVU, and drinking my weight in water. Well, maybe not my weight, but I'm drinking quite a bit.

I'm a little concerned about my port incision. It's red and it itches like CRAZY! I called the doctor's office and they told me that unless it was "coke can red" then it was fine, and that it would be tender and itchy for at least 3 weeks. I'm going to let that answer ride for a little longer.

I've decided that I'm going to re-think my approach to my new lifestyle. Instead of eyeballing doritos, bread, and all of the other things that my family eats daily, I'm going to think completely about me. Is it just me, or do any of you other women feel like you are the only one who can feed your family? When your man is completely capable. I feel that if I make it home before him, then I should start dinner. Anyone else think like that or used to think like that? How did you change?

I was in the habit of weighing every single morning. For the first week, it was awesome. I was averaging 2 pounds a day. I hit 17 pounds lost and then I started grazing. I put 5 pounds back on quick and the weight loss stopped. I was lying to myself and saying that because I only ate "a little bit" that it didn't count. Well, obviously it did. My sister is the picture of perfection with her band. I try not to compare myself to her, but it's hard when I feel like I'm screwing this up on purpose.
I don't know what happened in my head today but I wanted to share with you. I've not posted in a few days because I've been ashamed. All of you guys seem to have it all under control and so in charge of your band.

All of your words of encouragement are awesome. Thank you. I hope to post more pictures and I hope that my ticker will move again!!!

Worried.

Well, I've hit 8 days post-op. I'm scared. I can't seem to get enough to eat sometimes.
Sometimes, I am completely satisfied and others it's like I'm ravenous. It makes me feel like I did pre-band.
My family went to dinner tonight and I had three bowls of potato soup with crackers!! I felt like a disgusting, fat pig. I felt like a failure and that I'm never going to win.

In other news,  I'm getting a promotion at Lane Bryant! I'm the new Asst. Manager. I don't want to wear their clothes anymore.

I have a man who loves me. His children love me. I would do anything for a friend. I'm a hard-worker. Why is my relationship with food the only thing that I let define me?

I hear you loud and clear, Gina!

Okay. Tonight was no different than any other night. Except that I got to lay around all day (still recovering).
I was making hamburger helper with homemade french bread. Everything was going fine, kids were finishing homework and dinner was right on schedule. Any cook does this without thinking about twenty times while cooking, they TASTE! I had managed to go the entire process with no tastes and right as I was serving the meal, I forgot  I had a band. I popped a spoonful into my mouth. It was delicious.

Twenty seconds later, my world was upside down. It felt like someone had a death grip on my insides. I couldn't breathe and I was leaning over the toilet bargaining with Gina that I would NEVER do it again. I said, "I hear ya! I get the point. Please just let this slide through."
I was sweating and splashing water on my face. I was almost in tears. It felt what I can only imagine a heart attack would feel like.
I'm glad that this new addition to my body doesn't fuck around. It hurt like hell.

Day 3.

So, it's the third day and I'm HUNGRY! I'm glad that I get to have thicker soups but I'm not sure how long the joy will last. How did you ladies progress in your hunger with the band? Did you feel hungry all the time or no? I'm afraid that my hunger will get the best of me.

It's sad that it's only been 3 days and I'm worried about screwing this up. I think I just need some super words of encouragement. I watched this new show called, "What's eating you" and the episode was about a woman who had the gastric band and got up to 400lbs. I shouldn't have watched it but I couldn't turn away.

Tell me about when you were doubtful and thought it might not work. I'm trying to condition my mind that this isn't a diet, that I've changed my life.

My list.

This is a list of things that I want to accomplish after being banded.

1. Complete a 5k in under 45 minutes.

2. Shop at Banana Republic.

3. Get out of bed without feet or back pain.

4. Go to an amusement park without fear of not fitting the rides.

5. Be able to keep up with my boyfriend when we go out.

6. Be a healthy role-model for my students and step-children.

7. Not think about food every minute of the day.

Quick Question.

How can I make a weight loss ticker and have it permanently at the top of the blog? Help ladies!!

Day 2

Today is the first day that I've actually felt like making a substantial post. The hospital was actually scary. I had a freak-out when the doctors took out the breathing tube. I couldn't breathe and started crying and grasping the air. The nurse wouldn't let me leave because she said I was too weak. I didn't have good coloring and I was in too much pain.

My mother has been with me for the past three days and I think my boyfriend was glad to see her leave. Two people who love me with conflicting personalities.
I've not eaten much, chicken broth and some strained egg drop soup. I realized that the egg drop soup was probably not so good for me. It tasted too good.

I've been sleeping a lot. My mother has forced me to walk up and down the block every hour or so. It actually made me feel a lot better.

The gas is something that I've never experienced! It's all through my shoulder and it even seems like it's in my back. My port incision is killing me. When I woke up, I was on my stomach and I got scared. I was worried that I would hurt myself but that didn't seem to happen.

So, right now, I'm using my breathing thing they sent me home with and catching up on Criminal Minds. I'm actually really enjoying being able to watch t.v. with a good excuse.