Round Two

Hey ladies! I've been a little distant lately because I've been struggling with healthy eating. I've been ashamed and I'm still trying to shake it off.  Thanksgiving was delicious and unhealthy. I ate everything except bread. I think it opened my eyes and I realized that I shouldn't be able to eat almost two plates! That Saturday was the new start.
I've dusted off my healthy cookbooks and I'm about to head to the store. I realized that I HAVE to be pro-active with this. It's like all you have said, I'm stuck smack in the middle of bandster hell. Hell is a perfect word because I want to eat everything!

So, I've re-stocked the fridge with cottage cheese, fruit, yogurt, and juices. I realized that eating almost an entire sleeve of wheat crackers with my soup was probably not the best idea. Damn, it was good, though.
My sister hit 16lbs lost and that was like a slap in the face.
I decided to stop fighting against Bandy and start listening to him.

Christmas cards!

We took our family Christmas picture yesterday and I'm getting so excited! I love the holidays. It's the only time of  year that I stops focusing on my image hang-ups and just enjoy the season. It's weird but true. 

I've just really been coasting through this hell that I'm in. Awaiting my first fill.
Until next time, here's a look at my family.

 Did someone say PRESENTS?!

I have the day off...

and I'm taking full advantage. I walked my dog, am currently catching up on missed episodes of Law and Order: SVU, and drinking my weight in water. Well, maybe not my weight, but I'm drinking quite a bit.

I'm a little concerned about my port incision. It's red and it itches like CRAZY! I called the doctor's office and they told me that unless it was "coke can red" then it was fine, and that it would be tender and itchy for at least 3 weeks. I'm going to let that answer ride for a little longer.

I've decided that I'm going to re-think my approach to my new lifestyle. Instead of eyeballing doritos, bread, and all of the other things that my family eats daily, I'm going to think completely about me. Is it just me, or do any of you other women feel like you are the only one who can feed your family? When your man is completely capable. I feel that if I make it home before him, then I should start dinner. Anyone else think like that or used to think like that? How did you change?

I was in the habit of weighing every single morning. For the first week, it was awesome. I was averaging 2 pounds a day. I hit 17 pounds lost and then I started grazing. I put 5 pounds back on quick and the weight loss stopped. I was lying to myself and saying that because I only ate "a little bit" that it didn't count. Well, obviously it did. My sister is the picture of perfection with her band. I try not to compare myself to her, but it's hard when I feel like I'm screwing this up on purpose.
I don't know what happened in my head today but I wanted to share with you. I've not posted in a few days because I've been ashamed. All of you guys seem to have it all under control and so in charge of your band.

All of your words of encouragement are awesome. Thank you. I hope to post more pictures and I hope that my ticker will move again!!!

Worried.

Well, I've hit 8 days post-op. I'm scared. I can't seem to get enough to eat sometimes.
Sometimes, I am completely satisfied and others it's like I'm ravenous. It makes me feel like I did pre-band.
My family went to dinner tonight and I had three bowls of potato soup with crackers!! I felt like a disgusting, fat pig. I felt like a failure and that I'm never going to win.

In other news,  I'm getting a promotion at Lane Bryant! I'm the new Asst. Manager. I don't want to wear their clothes anymore.

I have a man who loves me. His children love me. I would do anything for a friend. I'm a hard-worker. Why is my relationship with food the only thing that I let define me?

I hear you loud and clear, Gina!

Okay. Tonight was no different than any other night. Except that I got to lay around all day (still recovering).
I was making hamburger helper with homemade french bread. Everything was going fine, kids were finishing homework and dinner was right on schedule. Any cook does this without thinking about twenty times while cooking, they TASTE! I had managed to go the entire process with no tastes and right as I was serving the meal, I forgot  I had a band. I popped a spoonful into my mouth. It was delicious.

Twenty seconds later, my world was upside down. It felt like someone had a death grip on my insides. I couldn't breathe and I was leaning over the toilet bargaining with Gina that I would NEVER do it again. I said, "I hear ya! I get the point. Please just let this slide through."
I was sweating and splashing water on my face. I was almost in tears. It felt what I can only imagine a heart attack would feel like.
I'm glad that this new addition to my body doesn't fuck around. It hurt like hell.

Day 3.

So, it's the third day and I'm HUNGRY! I'm glad that I get to have thicker soups but I'm not sure how long the joy will last. How did you ladies progress in your hunger with the band? Did you feel hungry all the time or no? I'm afraid that my hunger will get the best of me.

It's sad that it's only been 3 days and I'm worried about screwing this up. I think I just need some super words of encouragement. I watched this new show called, "What's eating you" and the episode was about a woman who had the gastric band and got up to 400lbs. I shouldn't have watched it but I couldn't turn away.

Tell me about when you were doubtful and thought it might not work. I'm trying to condition my mind that this isn't a diet, that I've changed my life.

My list.

This is a list of things that I want to accomplish after being banded.

1. Complete a 5k in under 45 minutes.

2. Shop at Banana Republic.

3. Get out of bed without feet or back pain.

4. Go to an amusement park without fear of not fitting the rides.

5. Be able to keep up with my boyfriend when we go out.

6. Be a healthy role-model for my students and step-children.

7. Not think about food every minute of the day.

Quick Question.

How can I make a weight loss ticker and have it permanently at the top of the blog? Help ladies!!

Day 2

Today is the first day that I've actually felt like making a substantial post. The hospital was actually scary. I had a freak-out when the doctors took out the breathing tube. I couldn't breathe and started crying and grasping the air. The nurse wouldn't let me leave because she said I was too weak. I didn't have good coloring and I was in too much pain.

My mother has been with me for the past three days and I think my boyfriend was glad to see her leave. Two people who love me with conflicting personalities.
I've not eaten much, chicken broth and some strained egg drop soup. I realized that the egg drop soup was probably not so good for me. It tasted too good.

I've been sleeping a lot. My mother has forced me to walk up and down the block every hour or so. It actually made me feel a lot better.

The gas is something that I've never experienced! It's all through my shoulder and it even seems like it's in my back. My port incision is killing me. When I woke up, I was on my stomach and I got scared. I was worried that I would hurt myself but that didn't seem to happen.

So, right now, I'm using my breathing thing they sent me home with and catching up on Criminal Minds. I'm actually really enjoying being able to watch t.v. with a good excuse.

Whoa.

I'm home. I'm really sore and gas-y. I've been doing a lot of walking and sipping.

I'll get back with you gals in a few days. Love y'all.

Pictures, finally.

My stepdaughter, Hope, and me.

This is me at my highest weight of 303. I love how healthy my skin looks but not the swollen-ness.

Being followed feels nice.

First, I have to give a major shout out to Bonnie! Thank you girl! I am so excited to have new friends in this adventure.

You ladies have no idea how excited I was to see all of you!! Thanks a million.

Yes, tomorrow is the big day. I just drank my "supposed to taste like lemon" saline laxative. That was tough. I'm surprisingly not nervous. I'm really glad to see some of you have been banded for a while and are still having such great experiences with your band. I want to know about each of you. It'll take me some time but I will read and get y'alls story.
I actually hate that I missed out on the BOOBS bandwagon. It seems like fun.

Oh yea, I've named my band. Bandy Griffith. My sister is naming hers Bandy Quaid.
Since I've had a inside joke with the name Gina, that will also be her name. Andy Griffith for the old trusty standby and Gina for the attitude that I know this band will give me.
Not really able to post right now. Not staying out of the bathroom much.

Love you guys!!!

Seriously?!

Is Marie Claire serious?! I can't believe that article was allowed to be printed. I can't say much more that hasn't already been screamed across the internet. I must say that I don't feel sorry for this bitch. If she can't stand to look at fat people then I don't care that she used to be anorexic.
Read for yourself, by Maura Kelly.

I miss chewing!

This is day two of the liquid diet. All I can think about it food. It might be easier if I could sleep until my surgery. That way all the food in my house doesn't look like the "best thing ever". It's amazing how the little things look like the best things.

Too many commercials about burgers and delicious appetizers. I am addicted to food. My stomach isn't rumbling yet but I know that it's time to eat. I want to run into the kitchen and tear it apart.

I think that I have begun to mourn the way I used to eat. I know that my relationship with food will never be the same. I won't be able to turn to food to make me happy or feel better.

I'm looking forward to the changes that my body is going to make but I'm also worried about loose skin and who I am under this weight.

A little more about me.

Three of my favorite things before this lap band journey were: Cigarettes, red lipstick, and Diet Coke. Yes, I know that smoking is bad for you but I really enjoyed it. Diet Coke isn't great for you but it was like coffee to me. So, now I'm only left with my red lipstick. I can make due because it's for the greater good. Quitting smoking was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I was prescribed Chantix. That was so expensive! It worked though, so I guess it was worth the money.

Before I decided that the lap band was the way to go, I thought that surgery was the easy way out. I spent all of my time and most of my money on the latest thing. Yes, I lost weight but I always gained it back. I've lost and gained the same 50 lbs so many times.

All of these thoughts were running through my head while I drove home from work. I couldn't wait to get home and blog about them.

An official introduction.

Hey all. I've made the decision to start a blog to go along with my lap band experience. Not an original idea, but I thought it might help.

My name is Ashley. I'm 28 and a teacher. I don't have a teaching job so for now, I work at, where else, Lane Bryant.

My surgery date is this Friday November, 5th! I have 4 days and I'm struggling with my feelings.
I weighed in at 298.7lbs but today I was 303.7. I've been put on liquids to get some weight off before the surgery.
I have been sick and with all the medicine, o.j., and soup, I put on 5 pounds. Damn.

So, here it goes.